It was a year ago, today

I originally intended this blog to be a lot more consistant. I also intended on a lot of other things to happen when I planned them, but even those tend to fall by the wayside a lot. So that’s what this entry will be about, intentions.

It’s so easy for me to sit back right now and not get involved in what’s going on in everyone life. It’s even easy to sit back and talk about not being involved, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to pull the whole, “Guys, we only have a year left together.” That’s true, but chances are even if we reconcile all of our differences we’re still going to drift apart after we graduate. It’s a simple fact of life.

“The only people you need in your life are people who need you in theirs.” I love you all, but I drift a lot. I’m not quite sure how long I’ll stay in touch with you all, much less how long you’ll stay in touch with each other at this rate. I don’t honestly see the point in all of this arguing, but that’s easily explained because I don’t know the first thing about what’s going on. I just wish it would stop. I wish for one day, even if it’s the last time we can all stand to be in the same room, that we could all sit down and go, “Do you remember the time…?” and laugh about it, even if those memories were painful in the moment.

The people we know and hurt and say goodbye to in our lives, we’ll always love them. That’s what I believe anyways. The heart isn’t something that breaks over time, it’s something that gets more and more full as we use it. When I put aside all the current anger, and regret and longing that I have in the moment, I find that what I’m left with is love. Even after all of this has happened, and we’ve all gone our separate ways I’ll miss you all because of this.

To get on a less abstact topic and one a bit more proactive (because that’s what’s been called for from several parties) I wish it wasn’t necessary to lash out at everyone when only you are hurting. It gets exhausting when all people do is say, “I hate so-and-so…” Well, you know, they’re my friend too, so I really wish you wouldn’t put me in such an awkward position.

I really wish you wouldn’t.

It makes it difficult for me to sympathize with you. I still do, but it makes it so hard to be able to sit down and listen to you when all that you talk about is hate.

It’s true this is our senior year. Yes, we’re all glad it’s almost all over. I’ve talked about nothing but escaping this place and these circumstances since last summer. I don’t talk about escaping my friends though. That seems a lot like running away from the problem. My alternate might not be the best way to deal with it; that is, I sit and do nothing. At least I sit and deal with it though.

I still believe that all of our problems are caused by our actions. The shit and drama you bring up today is going to bite you in the ass tomorrow. The golden thing about the problems our actions bring about is that we can act against those too. You could say “I’m sorry” and mean it once and a while. You could apologize. You could say nothing and listen.

I don’t know who I’m writing for anymore.