It is sufficient to say…

…That nobody reads this anymore. Which is perfectly fine. In this case my blog can be much more devoted towards more up-to-date issues that have come up. By the time someone does stumble upon this again it will no longer be pertinent. Unless of course someone is actually using the RSS feed subscription and therefore wouldn’t need to visit the site to set off the visitor tracker.

It has been an odd past few days. The first week of summer classes have been okay, nothing terribly exciting. It all seems rather like a review really. I’m slightly kicking myself for not having ever taken an AP history exam, but the professor I have is rather good, so it would have been sad not to have had him. Psychology on the other hand… Every psych course is essentially the same as all the others. Kind of glad it isn’t my major.

The real events of the past week have happened off campus though (how sad, on campus during the summer…). I got cast in Make Me A Song, which is thrilling. Joe K is in it as well, which means this is our fifth show together. I’ve done more shows with him than I have with any director, with any organization and at any performance space. Well, not really; six shows at BHS, but close enough. We work well together, and I’m rather excited because it’s wonderful material. We shall see.

Of course, news such as this came at another unforeseen expense. Jeffrey found out last week that one of his aunts committed suicide. Killed herself. Every time I hear about suicide I tend to have my own learned judgements jump right in the way, so I was at first taken aback by the news. I wish there was more I could do for him, because at first he said that he was doing fine. More than fine, really, so of course that snapped me out of it. He’s handling it in his own way and dealing with it more realistically. Hopefully he’ll be visiting soon.

These events must seem terribly unrelated, but I spent today and yesterday watching the first season of Dexter. A Showtime program isn’t typically something that I would pin for a bout of self-reflection, but bloodshed seems to do that to me. I’m… examining things more. Human relationships. I’m obviously not taking it as far as Dexter; the reason it’s a hit show isn’t because people relate to murdering people, but because they relate to alienation. I don’t suppose I’ll find any answers from watching it, but hey, it’s a good show.

I tend to feel alienated, I suppose. Only by my own thoughts would be a logical explanation, because I don’t tend to reach out on my own. It’s not my personality though. I enjoy gripping about living and trying to find better ways to do things. There are better ways to do things. There is always a better way. It’s sort of the capitalist view of morality. I’m not talking about greater ends related to their smaller means, but really just the smaller means. I’m just not quite sure what the greater end is.

That was mildly depressing. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s just late.

Summer Resolutions

Because it looks more official if you write it down.

I’ve been dealing with a great deal of laziness lately. Pretty much all my life really, but I have been feeling especially motivated (or guilted enough) to start living in more balanced ways. So here is a list of my summer resolutions:

1. Take up yoga. I’ve always enjoyed it and finally have time to do it. If number 2 doesn’t work out then I noticed that Naz has yoga classes on Wednesday nights. I’ve already missed the first one, but by next week I should know whether or not I can commit to it.
2. Get into “Make Me A Song.” It would be a blast to do this show because William Finn is quickly becoming one of my favorite composers.
3. Finish cleaning my room. It still looks like a bomb went off here and I’ve  been cleaning for almost two days straight.
4. Get organized for next year. This includes Lambda and figuring out how I’m going to survive next semester.

Um… That list was not as extensive as I imagined it would be. Oh well, baby steps.

EDIT: Oh, PS, I forgot some things I planned on doing, so let’s add them to the list.

1. Talk with Jane and Dr. King about music council.
2. Somehow consolidate the junk sitting in my room.

Inconveniences

There are days where I wish I could be ignorant enough to ask the question, “How did I get here? How could I possibly have ended up in this situation, on this path?” Of course, I quickly brush away the though of wishing that upon myself because it would be ridiculous to live my life any other way than the way I want it lived. I still do wonder, marvel even, at how I seem to have boxed in my options by making the decisions that have got me caught up in all this- well, living. 

We’ve all got dreams, sure, but I’m seriously wondering how practical some of the more realistic seeming ones are. I would rather chase a dream than end up in a miserable occupation simply because I felt the need to settle. My issue is that… working towards your dreams is difficult enough, but even more difficult when you take other people’s expectations into account. Responsibilities and engagements have become abundant over the past two years at school, so I balk at the thought of wondering where my work is going to take me in the future. It has been difficult enough sticking to music sometimes.  I have to think that whoever designed the liberal arts curriculum simply did so not only to allow for the exploration of interests by people who stay undeclared, but also the frustrate and cast doubt on people who would like to feel certain of themselves.

In the perspectives courses and even the off-handed discussions that have taken place before music history courses I sometimes find myself wondering how on earth I have arrived in such a place where I feel like the work that I do is not enough. Sure, I am learning to bring out the musical humanity in the future students of America,  but even with such an exalted skill I can’t help but find myself mulling over the inadequacies.

I’ve got some decisions to make, and I will probably end up putting them of until it doesn’t matter anymore, but how could you possibly ask a Sophomore musician to figure out where they want to go to graduate school? What they want to do in four years? Essentially, how do you want to set up the beginning of your adult career? It isn’t terribly inspiring, I’ll tell you that much. It seems a bit self defeating when I need to schedule creativity to strike me, between all the examinations and proficiencies I need to navigate.

*sigh*