There are days where I wish I could be ignorant enough to ask the question, “How did I get here? How could I possibly have ended up in this situation, on this path?” Of course, I quickly brush away the though of wishing that upon myself because it would be ridiculous to live my life any other way than the way I want it lived. I still do wonder, marvel even, at how I seem to have boxed in my options by making the decisions that have got me caught up in all this- well, living. 

We’ve all got dreams, sure, but I’m seriously wondering how practical some of the more realistic seeming ones are. I would rather chase a dream than end up in a miserable occupation simply because I felt the need to settle. My issue is that… working towards your dreams is difficult enough, but even more difficult when you take other people’s expectations into account. Responsibilities and engagements have become abundant over the past two years at school, so I balk at the thought of wondering where my work is going to take me in the future. It has been difficult enough sticking to music sometimes.  I have to think that whoever designed the liberal arts curriculum simply did so not only to allow for the exploration of interests by people who stay undeclared, but also the frustrate and cast doubt on people who would like to feel certain of themselves.

In the perspectives courses and even the off-handed discussions that have taken place before music history courses I sometimes find myself wondering how on earth I have arrived in such a place where I feel like the work that I do is not enough. Sure, I am learning to bring out the musical humanity in the future students of America,  but even with such an exalted skill I can’t help but find myself mulling over the inadequacies.

I’ve got some decisions to make, and I will probably end up putting them of until it doesn’t matter anymore, but how could you possibly ask a Sophomore musician to figure out where they want to go to graduate school? What they want to do in four years? Essentially, how do you want to set up the beginning of your adult career? It isn’t terribly inspiring, I’ll tell you that much. It seems a bit self defeating when I need to schedule creativity to strike me, between all the examinations and proficiencies I need to navigate.

*sigh*