I typically don’t indulge in these kinds of things. From time to time I will cave in if I have been tagged over five times to do the same survey, but I do still skim them when my friends do them. I came to realize how irritating they can be sometimes; they are irritating for two reasons. They help to magnify the egoism that plagues my generation (and shows no signs of decreasing, ever) and also they can sometimes ask some rather invasive, poignant questions. Ones that I personally would like to leave left unanswered. Questions I simply don’t want to have to face. Let me explain why with examples from the most recent rash of facebook surveys.

Oh, before this actually, another thing worth mentioning is that I am discovering my triggers. There are things that set me off in one way or another; either with a wave of nostalgia or a gripping bout of jealousy. I will explain more later.

“I’ve come to realize heartbreak:”
This  comes after a long line of questions that begin “I’ve come to realize.” Now, to me personally the answers reflected on the surveys I have read don’t seem to imply a terrible excess of reflection, but that isn’t the point of this. The point is that most of my answers are either terribly jaded, or, more importantly, intentionally vague. Either way it doesn’t seem like my thoughts are reflecting the sort of person I want to be, or the sort of ideals I want to be realized through my actions. This particular example would have begun something like, “… is part of the human experience.” I believe this to be true; but still, not for the reasons or ends that I believe in my heart of hearts.

“How’s your heart?”
Kind of a bad question because of how it is open ended. When I read it I wanted to avoid the obvious answer-fishing they were hoping for and realized that I have been having problems related to the heart. The heart is kind of a catch-all of emotions and a snapshot of an individuals well being. If you’re happy and outgoing then love is possible, blah blah blah. Well, I have been having a crisis of… well, several things recently. Partially conscience, ideals, mind and heart are all involved in this one. As mentioned before, I have been discovering my triggers. I might run into an old face, or hear about how someone is doing, or remember an odd memory. At first I thought it was just a flash of nostalgia, something I am prone to when I am left to myself, but these were different. They led to different thoughts, often darker. I begin to doubt the decisions I made, or am currently making. How can I currently be becoming the person I want to be? I am clearly making choices I would not have approved of a year ago, much less five. I am reminded of a passage of a particular book that deals with youth and ideals, and how as we grow up they will simply fade, or we will become wise enough to see that our ideals were flawed. I don’t feel that as much as I probably should; instead I feel disappointment. I feel regret, anger, jealousy towards the people that I know that don’t give a care about these things and are blissfully living their lives, heedless of where they are going.

I am beginning to sound like more of a control freak than I actually am.

I am dealing with these triggers. I am slowly coming to realize that though my life has changed, many of my principles are still intact (their integrity is challenged more frequently though).

“Could you see yourself with one person forever?”
I died a little when I saw this. Given my conundrums that I am dealing with as mentioned above I don’t want to answer right away. I don’t want to leave an answer as a curt, spiteful attack on traditionalism, but I honestly have my doubts. There are days where I wonder how I live with myself day to day for the rest of my days.

“Do you believe in perfect?”
I am assuming this is directed towards people. The educated person would say no, while the narcissistic would say yes because it is directed towards how they see people, and how people interpret the world. I say yes because of my faith. Yes, I have faith in something. A higher power has created hints of perfection in the world. Masterpieces, love, natural talent, heroism… they all smack of perfection. It’s out there somewhere.

There are a few other questions that I could touch on, but they go along the same lines. It’s late, and I have errands to run in the morning.

Has it really almost been an entire month since my last post?! Ridiculous. It certainly doesn’t seem like I have done a proportional amount of self-cultivating in that amount of time. Let’s review what I have and have not accomplished and figure out where I went wrong:

• Yoga – Well, this certainly didn’t fly. I’ve never been terribly self-motivated when it comes to physical fitness (that’s the part I had the trouble with anyways). I won’t give up on this yet, I’ve just been busy.
• Make Me A Song – Technically this didn’t happen either, but that’s by no fault of my doing. The good news is that I did make it into the show, but they just had to switch. Instead I am doing Larson’s Tick Tick Boom. So far going well.
• Cleaning and organizing – This was the easy part. I’m far too neat sometimes, so it almost wasn’t a chore, which seems a little unfair. Oh well, clean space, clear mind, right?

Okay, on to the real point, because review posts are irritating in themselves. I think the root of all my problems (and many problems in the world today) is the idea of inspiration. I admit that I lack commitment, but it takes a certain amount of natural interest to see a project through. That is, do what you love. If you are truly inspired to do something then the obstacles in your path mean almost nothing because you have a goal that you want to reach because it is your passion and will leave you fulfilled.

Inspiration is everywhere and can be found in almost anything; hence some of the most awesome achievements of humankind- from works of art to scientific breakthroughs. What I am missing is the ability to channel the infinite, universal potential that the world holds and turn it something creative.

My point! because I want to get to sleep; I need to start working and living in a way so that the things I love aren’t a chore anymore. I need to be able to create music without beating my head against the wall to do it. Let’s see if it happens.

…That nobody reads this anymore. Which is perfectly fine. In this case my blog can be much more devoted towards more up-to-date issues that have come up. By the time someone does stumble upon this again it will no longer be pertinent. Unless of course someone is actually using the RSS feed subscription and therefore wouldn’t need to visit the site to set off the visitor tracker.

It has been an odd past few days. The first week of summer classes have been okay, nothing terribly exciting. It all seems rather like a review really. I’m slightly kicking myself for not having ever taken an AP history exam, but the professor I have is rather good, so it would have been sad not to have had him. Psychology on the other hand… Every psych course is essentially the same as all the others. Kind of glad it isn’t my major.

The real events of the past week have happened off campus though (how sad, on campus during the summer…). I got cast in Make Me A Song, which is thrilling. Joe K is in it as well, which means this is our fifth show together. I’ve done more shows with him than I have with any director, with any organization and at any performance space. Well, not really; six shows at BHS, but close enough. We work well together, and I’m rather excited because it’s wonderful material. We shall see.

Of course, news such as this came at another unforeseen expense. Jeffrey found out last week that one of his aunts committed suicide. Killed herself. Every time I hear about suicide I tend to have my own learned judgements jump right in the way, so I was at first taken aback by the news. I wish there was more I could do for him, because at first he said that he was doing fine. More than fine, really, so of course that snapped me out of it. He’s handling it in his own way and dealing with it more realistically. Hopefully he’ll be visiting soon.

These events must seem terribly unrelated, but I spent today and yesterday watching the first season of Dexter. A Showtime program isn’t typically something that I would pin for a bout of self-reflection, but bloodshed seems to do that to me. I’m… examining things more. Human relationships. I’m obviously not taking it as far as Dexter; the reason it’s a hit show isn’t because people relate to murdering people, but because they relate to alienation. I don’t suppose I’ll find any answers from watching it, but hey, it’s a good show.

I tend to feel alienated, I suppose. Only by my own thoughts would be a logical explanation, because I don’t tend to reach out on my own. It’s not my personality though. I enjoy gripping about living and trying to find better ways to do things. There are better ways to do things. There is always a better way. It’s sort of the capitalist view of morality. I’m not talking about greater ends related to their smaller means, but really just the smaller means. I’m just not quite sure what the greater end is.

That was mildly depressing. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s just late.

Because it looks more official if you write it down.

I’ve been dealing with a great deal of laziness lately. Pretty much all my life really, but I have been feeling especially motivated (or guilted enough) to start living in more balanced ways. So here is a list of my summer resolutions:

1. Take up yoga. I’ve always enjoyed it and finally have time to do it. If number 2 doesn’t work out then I noticed that Naz has yoga classes on Wednesday nights. I’ve already missed the first one, but by next week I should know whether or not I can commit to it.
2. Get into “Make Me A Song.” It would be a blast to do this show because William Finn is quickly becoming one of my favorite composers.
3. Finish cleaning my room. It still looks like a bomb went off here and I’ve  been cleaning for almost two days straight.
4. Get organized for next year. This includes Lambda and figuring out how I’m going to survive next semester.

Um… That list was not as extensive as I imagined it would be. Oh well, baby steps.

EDIT: Oh, PS, I forgot some things I planned on doing, so let’s add them to the list.

1. Talk with Jane and Dr. King about music council.
2. Somehow consolidate the junk sitting in my room.

There are days where I wish I could be ignorant enough to ask the question, “How did I get here? How could I possibly have ended up in this situation, on this path?” Of course, I quickly brush away the though of wishing that upon myself because it would be ridiculous to live my life any other way than the way I want it lived. I still do wonder, marvel even, at how I seem to have boxed in my options by making the decisions that have got me caught up in all this- well, living. 

We’ve all got dreams, sure, but I’m seriously wondering how practical some of the more realistic seeming ones are. I would rather chase a dream than end up in a miserable occupation simply because I felt the need to settle. My issue is that… working towards your dreams is difficult enough, but even more difficult when you take other people’s expectations into account. Responsibilities and engagements have become abundant over the past two years at school, so I balk at the thought of wondering where my work is going to take me in the future. It has been difficult enough sticking to music sometimes.  I have to think that whoever designed the liberal arts curriculum simply did so not only to allow for the exploration of interests by people who stay undeclared, but also the frustrate and cast doubt on people who would like to feel certain of themselves.

In the perspectives courses and even the off-handed discussions that have taken place before music history courses I sometimes find myself wondering how on earth I have arrived in such a place where I feel like the work that I do is not enough. Sure, I am learning to bring out the musical humanity in the future students of America,  but even with such an exalted skill I can’t help but find myself mulling over the inadequacies.

I’ve got some decisions to make, and I will probably end up putting them of until it doesn’t matter anymore, but how could you possibly ask a Sophomore musician to figure out where they want to go to graduate school? What they want to do in four years? Essentially, how do you want to set up the beginning of your adult career? It isn’t terribly inspiring, I’ll tell you that much. It seems a bit self defeating when I need to schedule creativity to strike me, between all the examinations and proficiencies I need to navigate.

*sigh*

In my Existentialism class we tend to get off the topic, I think. Nonetheless, the discussions are really interesting, even if it hurts my brain when we veer off into hypothetical situations that involve the Presidents daughter being kidnapped for nuclear secrets.

One of the more interesting things we’ve talked about so far is the possibility of there being 38 people (or so) in the world that we are meant to meet that will change our lives by knowing them, even briefly. Well, we didn’t so much talk about it as our professor really wanted to tell us about the idea. I don’t really recall who came up with the concept, but she said a bunch of people used it in their writings. Anyways.

I was mulling this idea over when the professor said, “Yes, I know for a fact that I’ve met at least two. Maybe three.”

I don’t quite understand why this was so special, but… I’m wondering if she meant to put emphasis on this idea, because in our lives we can encounter hundreds of thousands of people and can easily miss saying ‘Hello’ or even acknowledging one of those people in passing. She also said, later in our discussion about how we are entirely responsible for our actions, that if we take orders from above without seeing the effects on those around us then, again, we could possibly miss or make an encounter impossible.

I tried to pick out people in my life that have had profound effects on the direct course of my life. I can think of one, maybe two. It was kind of an eye opener, in that I truly value my friends for how much they help me and guide me to grow; I am afraid of how easy it would be to not remember someone who has an infinite amount of influence on your life. That’s what I think it is that these 38 people can do, as opposed to people we simply love, they can influence us infinitely.

How rich a life must be that has met all 38 (or so).

These are the names of my fish. My very cheap, high maintenance fish. The cost of their tank and gravel and plants and decorations was 300% the cost of the fish themselves.

They had better last.

It has been quite the exciting couple of weeks back at school. Plenty has happened; none of it too terribly interesting, but sufficient to say I’m a little worried about the semester ahead.

I… have things that I want to write here, but I’m not sure how appropriate they would be, really. I’m not even entirely sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, seeing how it hasn’t regularly been updated in about a year. My other concern is privacy. I feel the need to start a new blog, only anonymously this time. I would like to write however I feel, but without the feeling of sharing everything with everyone I know. Then I could share everything with everyone I don’t know. I’ll think about it for a bit and see where I end up.

Yeah, I’ve just had one as of late. Things have been going well around the college scene as of late. I’ve been extra busy with classes (none of which are particularly interesting) and club activities. I went to Hartford last week. Or was it two weeks ago? Oh, well, either way it was good.

But yes, the creeping feeling. For some reason I’m just reminded of… well the past. It’s bizarre the times that I’ll be reminded, sometimes completely in passing. Still, it gives me pause and I kind of feel a little out of place. The things that I remember sort of seem like they came from another life, and are just shadows that are passing through. I really need a break. I’ve had an urge like I need to get away recently, but there’s no where to really get away on this campus. I’m so busy most of the time that I can’t conceivably find a good time either.*sigh*